let's start with a nice easy question - what are you meant to do with your life? theres a few answers that would get good scores on family feud: finish school, get a degree, find a good job, pair off with a romantic partner, buy a house and have 2.1 children. what are my goals? ive gone through uni and found a job that pays pretty well and doesnt put a huge stress on my time or energy. so what now?

something that freaked me out after breaking up with my really long term partner was the realisation that we didnt have any shared goals - largely because i don't have any. im not a sedentary person (i could honestly probably benefit from doing less) but i feel like all of my needs are met and the things that i want to improve on or strive towards are all steady, long term projects. i could try to travel more but that's a little outside of my financial range at the moment, and i might be able to afford a house one day if i keep saving for a couple of years.

primarily, my "goals" were more driven by my relationship; we bought a house together, decided we didn't want children, and their work meant they would likely need to move to another country to find a good position. after we split i was still entirely able to continue meeting people, seeing live music and art, involving myself in local groups and working on my own silly little projects, but it feels like something is missing.

i recently learned about the concept of "queer temporality": the idea that queer people, through leading lives that fundamentally disagree with the classic white-picket-fence lifestyle, have found themselves feeling like the classic markers of adulthood (the aforementioned education, property, marriage etc) no longer feel like they fit. this is compounded by the fact that a lot of millenials and basically all gen z people feel like marriage, property and children are out of their grasp on a purely financial level.

this all came to a head during my recent trip to melbourne where i, walking to my hotel, sleep deprived and full of ramen thought "what do i do after this?". and instead of the old answer of "go back to your partner and lead the life you share" my mind returned, disco elysium style, "live the rest of your life, i suppose". i've suddenly been thrust back into complete and unconditional control of my future, and its honestly kind of scary. im happy with my life, i have everything that i want, but is it okay to just keep rolling with the punches for the next eighty years? do i even actually need to want more, or is that a capitalist psy-op? do i want another committed relationship, or do i want to learn to love myself completely without the need for outside validation? do i want to pursue a non-conventional relationship schema? do i want to move to tibet and become a monk?