my friend gave me a spare bottle of hormone blockers today!

i want to say it put me in a spin but i suppose it more just made me very thoughtful and introspective about what being non-binary actually means to me

i like to think of myself as a bit of a realist when it comes to my physical construction and what that means for my gender expression, which i will happily admit is a benefit i am afforded by having the more nebulous goal of androgeny, rather than passing like a capital t Trans person. i have quite a few afab non binary friends who have gone on t and really enjoyed it, but i feel like a lot of that has got to be down to the very obvious and somewhat immediate effects - voice changes, muscle growth, hair growth. going in the other direction sounds like more of a toss up, as the most you can expect in the semi-short term is softening of the skin and growing boobs if you're lucky. there are some nice mental changes as you go further down the road, as well as things like fat redistribution, but that can take quite a long time

so some flavour of medical transition (for me) comes down to throwing my hormone balance out of whack for softer skin and a pair of a-cups. does the latter half of that equation sound good? sure! i actually think that the generally milder effects of hormones on amabs actually fits my preferred level of androgeny quite well. do the potential risks and some of the more difficult to reverse changes scare the crap out of me? absolutely!

in a way, i do feel a little blessed that i feel very comfortably non-binary instead of something else. the vagueness of the definition sometimes feels a bit silly, sort of like you're faking it or fooling yourself, but its fundamentally a bit of a 'what you make of it' kind of identity. it both is and isn't wishy washy - you just dont feel like presenting either masc or femme matches the way you feel inside. it's nebulous, but its also concrete in its nebulous-ness

i'm still not sure if i'll try the blockers, - i gather having no primary sex hormones can fuck your shit up pretty bad, but you can also stop them without any major effects. in any case, it has given me an opportunity to be introspective about the other parts of being non-binary that i've really enjoyed, like thinking about how my internalised gender presentation (positively) affects my personality, or how i relish in the challenge of finding cool womens' clothes that still works with my hips and shoulders