disclaimer

if you're someone i know in real life, probably don't read this one. especially you LD and NB. sorry, but i'll fill you in on it some time in the future

i dont think ive been so motivated and simultaneously unmotivated to put something to (digital) paper. but i kind of have to? i hope this is something i can look back on and laugh, either because this was totally not an issue, or, you know. i don't know.

i just cycled 45 minutes each way to and from the beach. in between i sat on a bench, saw a dolphin, and had a bit of a cry. this weekend i got into a bit of a fight with my partner and the floodgates just opened. i was, as i described to my friends, a bit too honest. they professed to sleeping poorly because they were afraid i had doubts about the relationship. i told them that i've had doubts about every second of every relationship i've ever been in. they said that they were worried that their depression was becoming too much for me, and i told them that i've been anxious about them on and off for the last year. the discussion that led up to this had me really hurt, so i just reacted with pure, unchecked honesty

i then went on to go home and sleep for 16 hours. i was just fucking exhausted, and not wanting to be in my own head at the moment. i then woke up to my company's cto putting me on a project to automate changes to one of my favourite client's websites with an """agentic ai""". i've barely eaten in 48 hours. fuck my life

as i was riding through the suburbs i was filled bitterness and anger. anger at myself, at my selfishness, at my inability to make any allowances in my precious little life for anyone else. anger at whatever is in my head that makes me unable to slow down for a second, to constantly be doing so many things that there isnt any room to breathe. watching couples walking their dogs and wondering why i couldn't be like them, happy with an office job and a suburban home and 1.48 children and a big tv. angry that houses have doubled in price in the last five years and that, despite my okay job, i'm never going to own one if things don't improve

the worst part of relationship troubles are back from last time. 1: when you have relationship trouble you want emotional support from the person you've just alienated and 2: when you've just experienced the most soul shattering emotional turmoil, you still need to go to work on monday

addendum

the whinging about families probably came across more like jealousy, but its more a state of pure confusion and bewilderment. hwo do people get to a place in their relationships where theyre comfortable and secure enough to do something like that? i don't feel like i ever have been. how the FUCK do they have the finances with a house and a yard and two cars??? it feels like you're on another planet to me

also i was specifically angry about houses because i was riding through a beachfront suburb with 3 million aud houses on either side, but also like. it counts regardless